Thursday, January 8, 2009

Chill out spot to my Crazi world!...

This is the very bench I used to go to after my therapy sessions a few years ago to reflect on what I had learned the week before and what I was to work on in the week ahead.. therapy was necessary for me to be healthy mentally and spiritually which then prompted me to get healthy as a whole... I didn't grow up in a modern conventional home, we moved around the world instead and our parents chose to follow a christian cult for a most of my formative years as a child... allot of things were done very differently than the main stream 'normal' people we were exposed to on occasion ~ It took me a very long time to feel normal like everyone else and realize that I was not so very different after all... I was just made to feel that way because of the things I was told and how I was made to dress as a child was ridiculous enough to make us stand out in every crowd we were in no matter what! I am the oldest of 8 girls so we were on 'parade' so to speak whenever we went anywhere together. ( I know some of my other sisters have had issues with this as well and it just takes time, some more than others) Now we cant wait till we can all be together again... its been so very long and we get to choose our own outfits :)
I often wonder how I would be today without therapy... Journals were always helpful and now the blogging is another journal I can share to get feedback from others... its all a form of therapy to me :) I miss going to sit on my bench and look out at the St. Johns river with just myself and the journal with blank pages.. I would sit there until I felt I had mentally digested all that I needed to and would feel stronger as the weeks went by as I learned new ways to manage my stress and mood swings as I was dealing with an abusive husband at the time...I still go by the bench on the river when I am in the area, sometimes its just to drive by it during my busy day and other times I will stop and take a few minutes for myself.... its a very calming place for me and it also reminds me of how far I have come in my journey of self discovery.
I told Frankie the other day that if we had met even 2 years ago I don't think I would have been ready to accept the love he so willingly gives to me, I had to learn how to love me for ME first and accept all the things that weren't just 'right' and love me anyway! what a tough lesson to learn but I also know that because I did take the steps to get to know myself and embrace even the uglies inside, I am happier now than ever and my heart is open to be loved completely by him ♥
Tomorrow is the 5 month milestone since my almost fatal fall and already my life is almost back to normal... every day is a struggle to get better but I know its just a matter of time. Hope you enjoyed another snippet into my crazi thoughts!


Nichole said...

Through all the years we have know each other we have both grown in many different ways. I must say that these last few years have been leaps and bounds for both of us. I am so very grateful to you for helping me through my rough times and I am also grateful that you took the first step because otherwise I may not be in the same boat. God has kept us in touch for a reason and someday we will see each other again also. Have fun at the family gathering with all your sisters and know that he is upstairs looking down on all of you and all the progress you have made.
Life isn't alway what we expect but it's God choice where we go and who we become. Our personal decisions may hinder that sometimes but we always end up where we belong.
Love ya

Doris said...

When I hear about all the things you older girls went through. All the crap that happened to cousins.. I am all the more graetful for the protection you older girls provided for us, There is so much you all dealt with so we younger girls could be that much more "normal".I am greatful for it everyday.