Chill out spot to my Crazi world!...

This is the very bench I used to go to after my therapy sessions a few years ago to reflect on what I had learned the week before and what I was to work on in the week ahead.. therapy was necessary for me to be healthy mentally and spiritually which then prompted me to get healthy as a whole... I didn't grow up in a modern conventional home, we moved around the world instead and our parents chose to follow a christian cult for a most of my formative years as a child... allot of things were done very differently than the main stream 'normal' people we were exposed to on occasion ~ It took me a very long time to feel normal like everyone else and realize that I was not so very different after all... I was just made to feel that way because of the things I was told and how I was made to dress as a child was ridiculous enough to make us stand out in every crowd we were in no matter what! I am the oldest of 8 girls so we were on 'parade' so to speak whenever we went anywhere together. ( I know some of my other sisters have had issues with this as well and it just takes time, some more than others) Now we cant wait till we can all be together again... its been so very long and we get to choose our own outfits :)
I often wonder how I would be today without therapy... Journals were always helpful and now the blogging is another journal I can share to get feedback from others... its all a form of therapy to me :) I miss going to sit on my bench and look out at the St. Johns river with just myself and the journal with blank pages.. I would sit there until I felt I had mentally digested all that I needed to and would feel stronger as the weeks went by as I learned new ways to manage my stress and mood swings as I was dealing with an abusive husband at the time...I still go by the bench on the river when I am in the area, sometimes its just to drive by it during my busy day and other times I will stop and take a few minutes for myself.... its a very calming place for me and it also reminds me of how far I have come in my journey of self discovery.
I told Frankie the other day that if we had met even 2 years ago I don't think I would have been ready to accept the love he so willingly gives to me, I had to learn how to love me for ME first and accept all the things that weren't just 'right' and love me anyway! what a tough lesson to learn but I also know that because I did take the steps to get to know myself and embrace even the uglies inside, I am happier now than ever and my heart is open to be loved completely by him ♥
Tomorrow is the 5 month milestone since my almost fatal fall and already my life is almost back to normal... every day is a struggle to get better but I know its just a matter of time. Hope you enjoyed another snippet into my crazi thoughts!

My BFF's & A Quiet Day :)

I borrowed my BFF Chris' laptop today so as not to die of boredom at the house by myself ~ I could have come up with many other things to occupy my time but this has to be my favorite! Surfing the net, reading blogs from all over the world, I laughed out loud and cried tears of sadness and joy this afternoon. I had few house chores to do today, my other BFF Melanie will be over tomorrow to help me with the stuff I could not get to myself & we will watch Football Baby!!

The 2 people pictured in this blog are most important to me next to my family...The kind of friends who will always be there ~ we are permanent fixtures in each others lives and I cannot imagine life without them in it! I had a few beers with Chris last night before he took me home from work, we always have great conversation, I think that's what got our whole friendship started to begin with...We went down memory lane a bit, chuckled at how we actually met ( a story for another day) and rejoiced in each others personal growth. He told me he sees the same person but a very changed Sarah which made me feel very good about the progress I have made in the last 6 years. I told him his integrity has always inspired me to be a better person ~ to be impeccable with my word is such a challenge ~ MEAN WHAT YOU SAY AND SAY WHAT YOU MEAN ~ Easy to say but not so easy for me to do, but I work on it daily. Therapy was a key part in my re-birth after I left my second marriage. Along with prescribed medication for chemical imbalance/depression the therapy was necessary and I was blessed beyond measure that I got an awesome therapist the first time. Keri Bozzo, if I could ever find her to say Thank You ~ she helped me learn how to change my old patterns / habits and got me on the right track and I will be forever grateful to her for what she helped me with 8 years ago.

Melanie and I were instant friends when we met over 11 years ago and she has weathered the storms of life with me over and over & I with her, but that's what its all about right? I am lucky to have a guy BFF and a gal BFF :) We are all friends with each other and get together to hang out when our busy lives give us a chance. Since the accident I have had to lean on my friends more than ever and they have not disappointed me. Mel picks me up for work every morning until I can drive again, I am going to miss our visits when I don't need a ride anymore. We are all in this game of life together ~ the more support we give each other the better and easier it tends to be as opposed to going it alone without the love and understanding of a Best Friend Forever and I am lucky enough to have 2!!!

I had an alone day and it was blissful!! Its been a long time since I had the house to myself with no one to make any demands on me for any thing at all. I stayed on the phone eternally catching up with the girlfriends and sisters scattered all over...that can go on all day literally but enjoyable too :) My honey was hunting in the North Carolina woods, we got to chat a few times today ~ I am glad he had a day to himself as well. I grew up in such a big family with stuff going on all the time sooo it took me forever to be comfortable in peace & quiet...I wondered what my therapist meant when she told me to listen to my breathing... HUH?? I didn't know it could get that silent, now I cherish my alone time and days like today when I got to enjoy it almost all day long only engaging in conversation when I wanted to but also doing what I wanted to all day!

I am missing my sweetheart ~ we have to go longer than our usual every other weekend till our next visit but we will make it thru. I have soo much admiration for the military couples who sacrifice so very much couple time and family time for their service to our country for many months at a time, God Bless them all.

I wonder how much will change for us when we possibly take this relationship to the next step... I am happy to have a man who has his own hobbies and interests because I have my own as well and I have gotten used to my alone time... Its scary for both of us but we both know how important we are to each other and I absolutely cannot imagine living my life without him in it either! I was single for 8 years and happy to be that way, I always said I would rather be alone than have another complicated relationship ~ He has never once complicated my life but he has enhanced it greatly and I could not be happier about that.

We are both dealing with our respective ex-factors and I will be glad when everyone involved can just be a grown up about growing up! Its one thing to be playful but quite another to literally never grow up... That's supposed to be cliche' people!! No one WANTS to grow up but at some point it helps if you have your 'BIG BOY PANTS' or 'BIG GIRL PANTIES' on...otherwise its just downright annoying! and that's how I really feel.

I will not Blog on Sundays ~ I feel I need to make a rule for myself, give myself some boundaries so it doesn't get out of hand ~ I will still write in my journals just not as much as I used to...this is much more fun!