Friendship and losing it!

What happens when friendships die???? What makes them dissolve? I am having a hard time with this as I moved recently and have old friends here that I have known for over 20 years but I never see them and if I don't initiate contact it doesn't happen! They seemed soo very excited that I was returning after being gone for about 13 years but they are already busy with their own lives and there doesn't seem to be room for me. I am lonely!!!

I know people change but I am heartbroken by the friendships I thought I had that just dont seem to be there any longer! It is a 2 way street and so far I am the only one on the road!!!

Don't get me wrong, I have friends, just not any close geographically. If it was not for social network sites I would be miserable!! I needed to vent, is anyone else out there going thru this and if so, how do you cope?

Trying to be a friend for a friend in need....

I have a close friend who is struggling with an addiction and I don't know how to help. It will rob him of everything if he lets it...It's all about choices and I wish I knew the right things to say, I want to take all the hurt away and make it all better but he has to want it for himself first. When I was writing my blog yesterday I had no idea he was struggling so badly with these inner demons that he believes have a hold on him...I told him tonight that he has to own the fact that he can overcome this and have a better life because of it...

I struggled with alcohol abuse for a long time (it was my way of self medicating to deal with my second ex husband who was very controlling and abusive) and it was not until I made the choice to get help for myself that things turned around...I had to get in a place in my life to be able to be receptive to the help that was available. I still use alcohol, sometimes for more than enjoyment, what I learned from it was that I can control my temptations and it is manageable if you want it bad enough! I wanted to stop being a functioning drunk and it was not until I heard those very words from my doctor that I had to wake up, own it and choose to do something about it. It was not immediate that I sought out help, I was still not willing to give up things that I thought were so important at that time...I had to be willing to rid myself of all the toxic people in my life who put the temptation there to begin with, I cannot blame anyone but myself and even though it made for a very lonely existance, I slowly dismissed the people in my life who were nothing but trouble for me!!!

I will always have to make the conscious choice when I choose to drink to do it responsibly! I want to be a good example to those around me and I admit, I slip up sometimes, I drink too much sometimes still, but every day I try a little harder and know that I can beat this by believing in myself and that higher power where I get my strength!

I feel like I can help my friend, especially now that he has asked for my help, that was a big step he took today and I admire his courage, I hope to be helpful to him in his time of need in his life. I do not have much experience with the drug he is struggling with but I know enough to know that it is very dangerous and can be life altering if he does not turn things around soon. I recommended that he try to go to a few meetings at a local church in his area and I can be supportive from afar as much as he needs me to be.

It is such a helpless feeling to not be able to do anything except be supportive and encouraging! He asked me for help because he trusted me and I will do my very best to help him through this as much as I am able to.

My BFF's & A Quiet Day :)

I borrowed my BFF Chris' laptop today so as not to die of boredom at the house by myself ~ I could have come up with many other things to occupy my time but this has to be my favorite! Surfing the net, reading blogs from all over the world, I laughed out loud and cried tears of sadness and joy this afternoon. I had few house chores to do today, my other BFF Melanie will be over tomorrow to help me with the stuff I could not get to myself & we will watch Football Baby!!

The 2 people pictured in this blog are most important to me next to my family...The kind of friends who will always be there ~ we are permanent fixtures in each others lives and I cannot imagine life without them in it! I had a few beers with Chris last night before he took me home from work, we always have great conversation, I think that's what got our whole friendship started to begin with...We went down memory lane a bit, chuckled at how we actually met ( a story for another day) and rejoiced in each others personal growth. He told me he sees the same person but a very changed Sarah which made me feel very good about the progress I have made in the last 6 years. I told him his integrity has always inspired me to be a better person ~ to be impeccable with my word is such a challenge ~ MEAN WHAT YOU SAY AND SAY WHAT YOU MEAN ~ Easy to say but not so easy for me to do, but I work on it daily. Therapy was a key part in my re-birth after I left my second marriage. Along with prescribed medication for chemical imbalance/depression the therapy was necessary and I was blessed beyond measure that I got an awesome therapist the first time. Keri Bozzo, if I could ever find her to say Thank You ~ she helped me learn how to change my old patterns / habits and got me on the right track and I will be forever grateful to her for what she helped me with 8 years ago.

Melanie and I were instant friends when we met over 11 years ago and she has weathered the storms of life with me over and over & I with her, but that's what its all about right? I am lucky to have a guy BFF and a gal BFF :) We are all friends with each other and get together to hang out when our busy lives give us a chance. Since the accident I have had to lean on my friends more than ever and they have not disappointed me. Mel picks me up for work every morning until I can drive again, I am going to miss our visits when I don't need a ride anymore. We are all in this game of life together ~ the more support we give each other the better and easier it tends to be as opposed to going it alone without the love and understanding of a Best Friend Forever and I am lucky enough to have 2!!!

I had an alone day and it was blissful!! Its been a long time since I had the house to myself with no one to make any demands on me for any thing at all. I stayed on the phone eternally catching up with the girlfriends and sisters scattered all over...that can go on all day literally but enjoyable too :) My honey was hunting in the North Carolina woods, we got to chat a few times today ~ I am glad he had a day to himself as well. I grew up in such a big family with stuff going on all the time sooo it took me forever to be comfortable in peace & quiet...I wondered what my therapist meant when she told me to listen to my breathing... HUH?? I didn't know it could get that silent, now I cherish my alone time and days like today when I got to enjoy it almost all day long only engaging in conversation when I wanted to but also doing what I wanted to all day!

I am missing my sweetheart ~ we have to go longer than our usual every other weekend till our next visit but we will make it thru. I have soo much admiration for the military couples who sacrifice so very much couple time and family time for their service to our country for many months at a time, God Bless them all.

I wonder how much will change for us when we possibly take this relationship to the next step... I am happy to have a man who has his own hobbies and interests because I have my own as well and I have gotten used to my alone time... Its scary for both of us but we both know how important we are to each other and I absolutely cannot imagine living my life without him in it either! I was single for 8 years and happy to be that way, I always said I would rather be alone than have another complicated relationship ~ He has never once complicated my life but he has enhanced it greatly and I could not be happier about that.

We are both dealing with our respective ex-factors and I will be glad when everyone involved can just be a grown up about growing up! Its one thing to be playful but quite another to literally never grow up... That's supposed to be cliche' people!! No one WANTS to grow up but at some point it helps if you have your 'BIG BOY PANTS' or 'BIG GIRL PANTIES' on...otherwise its just downright annoying! and that's how I really feel.

I will not Blog on Sundays ~ I feel I need to make a rule for myself, give myself some boundaries so it doesn't get out of hand ~ I will still write in my journals just not as much as I used to...this is much more fun!

A New place for me :)

So, I now have a blog page, somewhere to call my own and a place for me to put down thoughts when I cannot write them down in a journal...I live alone without adult companionship so I needed a place to let it out so to speak!!

I have attached the photo of my sweetheart & I ~ this was taken just a few weeks ago while I visited him in Charlotte ~ I am lucky enough to be crazy in love at my age and its with my very first love ♥ We were high school sweethearts over 20 years ago and just reconnected a little over 5 months ago! We could not be happier and look forward to our very bright future together!

I recently had a very bad accidental fall ~ August 9, 2008 was D-day for me!! It could have been the day the lights went out but thankfully God still has plans for me yet! I am recovering very well, more rapidly than the doc's expected and hope to dance with my honey on New Years Eve! I got to put my toes in the sand at the beach this past weekend and it was such a thrill!! I Love the ocean and the surf, I feel so connected with the earth when I am at the oceans edge...

Back to work full time this week... much earlier than expected but I am not surprised at myself because I am soo determined and stubborn most all the time! I am blessed to have my children by my side and they are both a big help with the stuff I cannot do just yet... I washed dishes, did laundry and even made the bed for the first time in months this past weekend and was happy to do it :)

Every day I get to do something I was not able to do before so the victories are small but HUGE to me! I am grateful for all the prayers that went up for me and my family and blessed beyond measure to have friends and family who love and support me unconditionally!